first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Well I just put wine in my tea
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
