1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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