I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
should my penis look like a turkey
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
