I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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