what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
