last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
they're like a gay fantastic four
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
