I molested 6 butterflies tonight
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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