Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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