I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I faked an abortion last night.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
