Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
