Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Randomize
