How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
