well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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