My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
