I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Vodka?
Forever.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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