i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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