remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
