So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
