would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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