Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
