he told me I talked like a deaf person
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
