I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
