i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
