It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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