I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
