Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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