I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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