I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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