my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
