Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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