I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
