Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
