I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
