i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
