I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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