My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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