I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
