Cold hands, warm shart.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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