I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
