His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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