Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
