I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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