I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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