You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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