tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
