You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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