i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I want her autograph on my taint
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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