Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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