smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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