The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
