Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
