I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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