Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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