You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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