If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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