Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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